Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
