OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
