so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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