I'm really into asian looking animals
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
