the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
