She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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