I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
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