im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
