Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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