6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
