Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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