Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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