i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
