So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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