I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
