Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
