There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
farters have to be the big spoon...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
