I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
