My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
