she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize