People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Are we still banned from the library?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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