Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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