The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
