I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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