I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
