I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
