Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
