Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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