one word: firstdatebathroomanal
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
there is glitter all over my balls
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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