Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
