I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
