I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
