dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
