I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
