Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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