who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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