2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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