The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
