Jerry, you need to find god
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
