You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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