My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
