You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
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