Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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