just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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