Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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