do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
