Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
