she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
