Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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