READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
