Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
