I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
