i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize