sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
