Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize