ya dads aren't the best wingmen
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize