I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
