Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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