Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
