I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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