if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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