Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
