I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just forgot I was standing up.
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