can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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