Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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