Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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